By Caryn Haman
This article was originally published in PCJH’s Winter 2025 Pinnacle, “Testimonies of Faith”

I was blessed to grow up with a mother who had a strong faith. With whatever was happening in my life she would tell me to have faith and believe that I would get through it. When I was about 12-years-old I began to question her—-not her faith, but the doctrine that she followed.  There were just things that did not seem to fit with Scripture. My mother had an open mind.  She could hear what I was saying, and often agree, but could never examine the religion she adhered to.  If anyone in the extended family left “the church” it was as if there was no hope.  I was reminded nearly every Sunday that you needed to be “worthy” to participate in this or that.  Frankly, I never felt I could measure up to that standard and so carried guilt, and even some shame.  

Upon leaving home the entire world was thrown in front of me with too many choices and distractions, and I began to justify a lot of them as okay.  Underneath it all I knew God was present and I knew I was letting Him down. Eventually I began to see that life was not going as I had planned.  There were too many paths to take.  I was not taking the “narrow path that leads to eternal life”.   With disappointments and heartaches, I knew I needed to become honest and authentic about my beliefs and who I was.  

One da,y a dear friend invited me to attend church with her.  At the end of the service Pastor Dan Abrams announced to the congregation that as they went out into the week to “remember that you are loved” I could hardly believe what I heard. “LOVED?”  Yes, “LOVED”.   I left feeling hope and a new direction.  I thrived on classes offered at that church. I believe it is hard to grow one’s testimony in a vacuum and that learning only comes when we “show up”.

Later, I picked up the book “The Counselor “ by A.W. Tozer and began to learn about the Holy Spirit.  I was amazed!  I was in love!  I could surrender and let God change me!  A few years later I needed to make an important decision.  It was painful and I had agonized about which way to go.  The next morning, I confronted it. I sat with my head in my hands weeping.  I felt the Holy Spirit come over me, and then it became clear. What happens when the Holy Spirit speaks is that we “hear” with a special ear of faith. It is distinguishable from simply hearing what I want. 

After this, I was convicted. What was difficult to change now became clear.  I desire what God desires for me.  I have learned that I have the regeneration of the Holy Spirit in God’s Grace.  Amazing Grace!  I want to be obedient. No more rebellion and thinking I know best.  This has led to a beautiful transformation.  I have peace, the peace that only comes from God. Every day I invite the work of the Holy Spirit to be instrumental in my life. It is amazing. I feel truly led in small as well as in significant ways.  

In later years, Pastor Paul Hayden opened the doors wide to the amazing God of Love, Mercy, and Grace.  I have been blessed to learn from our Pastors Ben Pascal and Tammy Mitchell.  The pilgrimage trips that PCJH has led to the Holy Land had a major impact on my transformation. To walk where Christ walked, to see where he was born, crucified, buried, and resurrected, and to see scrolls and stones of written evidence left no doubt. I had been longing for a reaffirmation of my baptism, a renewal of faith in what I now knew was true.  On my third trip to the Holy Land the time was right.  I came out of the water and truly felt renewed in every way.  

I have struggled writing this.  How can one really explain to others the powerful working of the Holy Spirit?  Words are inadequate.  It is the work of the Spirit.